Not living a dream

I'm a dreamer and a planner.  While this has given me some kind of direction and focus in my life, it's also lead to spending alot of time dreaming rather than living.  I have spent alot of time dreaming about what I want to do with my life and yearning for the next phase to begin.  This last year has been really good for me.  I've been actually doing the things I've spent so long dreaming about. 

As I started to prepare for this summer, I felt myself slip back into my old habits.  My instinct was to spend my time waiting for next fall.  Figuring out how to keep the girls happy enough to leave me alone so that I could pass the days.  And then it hit me.  I need to stop living my dreams and start living the now. 

I have four months of time to enjoy my kids.  We can play games and go places and do stuff.  The now isn't interesting on it's own merits.  It is interesting because of what I make it.  I can sew, knit, dye, spin, design.  I can create things for my kids and help them create things.  I can retake control of my house!  That might just be the most exciting part of all this.  I have spent the last 8 12 umpteen months doing stuff.  I think the last time I was this much in control was when Natalie was a baby.  Once I went back to work, I got busy and stressed and spent my free time with little family.  Then I got pregnant and sick (for what was really a very long time with everything combined).  Once Gwen was born, I plunged into a world of colic, reflux and PPD.  When I emerged from that fog, I entered the crazy world of babysitting.  And then came school.  Right now there is nothing.  I have 2 kids who are at an age where I can actually do things.  Natalie's in school for 3 hours a day and Gwen takes the most obliging naps. 

So, what am I actually going to do with my now?  The possibilities are really endless. 

The answer I think is very anti-climatic.  I think we're mostly just going to relax.  It's time for a change of pace.  No dreams this summer.